Ok, I'm about to dive into some controversial waters here. So please bear with me. I'd like to share some of my experiences, give some food for thought and get some honest feedback.
Once upon a time, I was a new mommy-to-be. I had great plans to do everything right, be the best parent EVER. Certainly to not make all the mistakes all the parents around me were making. I had heard a lot about this wonderful book Babywise. Everyone was reading it and raving, and it was a CHRISTIAN book! So I read it. And it made perfect sense. In fact it sounded so good that I felt doing things any other way would be just plain wrong. I would be setting myself up for failure, I would have spoiled rotten children who would feel the world centered around them. I would be sleep deprived and my marriage would probably fall apart. Now I'm not saying that the book told me these things would happen...exactly. But this was how I felt.
Then a crazy thing happened. I had a baby. Now the book still seemed right. In my head I thought I really SHOULD do all the things they recommended. But suddenly I didn't want to. I didn't want to put my baby down. I didn't want to let him sleep by himself. I just wanted to hold him. Like ALL the time. I wanted to nap with him, I wanted to carry him around. I wanted to nurse him whenever he wanted no matter what the clock said. So I fought with myself. I thought, "I need to be disciplined! This is what is best for my baby!" Good grief I can't nurse him ON DEMAND (gasp) he'll end up as a juvenile delinquent! I battled on and off and eventually I pretty much gave up and did what I wanted to do. Big surprise. Discipline has never been my middle name. But Guilt was. (Ironically Joy is my actual middle name) And boy did I feel guilty. I felt like I was being ungodly by not keeping him on a strict schedule. Every time he cried or was fussy I thought it was my fault because I just wasn't doing it right. I felt like a failure because he didn't sleep through the night when the book said he should, and I felt like a pushover when I got up to feed him night after night. I wasn't living up to my own expectations as a "good" parent and I was probably hurting him by not teaching him some important life lesson babies need to learn when they "cry it out."
Skip to the next child. This time I thought I would really need a good schedule because with two kids and no schedule life would just be utter chaos! And guess what? It was. Sort of. I admit I never really tried that hard to get on a schedule with my second son. I felt a little less guilty and I enjoyed it a lot more. The biggest shocker was that he actually put himself on a pretty predictable schedule. He did not, however, sleep through the night until he was much, much older than he was "supposed" to be.
And then came Grace. I never watched the clock. I never forced her to stay awake for play time. And she still crawls in my bed sometimes at night. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I've breastfed in every single mall and restaurant from Des Moines to Ames. But that's another post entirely.
So, what does it all mean and why am I posting about it? Well two things have impacted me in a way that has changed how I view the breastfeeding relationship. First is my experience, which I have briefly described above. Second, I started learning more about the biology of child birth and breastfeeding. The more I learned the more absolutely amazed I was at God's design for mothers and babies. I hadn't thought too much about human instinct before. Or if I did it was in a negative context, usually equated with the sin nature. But as I learned about the things that make breastfeeding successful I saw that they coincided perfectly with what I had so strongly desired. I began to see how perfectly mothers and babies were designed. How the mother and baby could be so effortlessly in sync. And the more we try to interfere the more we just tend to mess things up! I slowly began to see that maybe my instincts were given to me by God. I didn't have to fight against them I could embrace them and be thankful that God had so beautifully designed the mother-baby relationship.
Now here are my problems with Babywise. The first thing is, it's old. Recently people have been getting very excited about breastfeeding. It's in the news, celebrities are doing it. More and more research is being done and we are finding out how amazing and perfect and wonderful it is! More and more babies are being breastfed and so we are getting more information about what a breastfed baby does, and how he acts. We are realizing how very VERY different breastfed babies are from formula fed babies. So specifically back to Babywise. The research the book was based upon was done on all babies, not just breastfed babies. Even though the book talks about nursing, and not formula feeding, their research is going to be skewed toward formula babies. (Everyone's was) There is a new normal for breastfed babies and we are learning more every minute.
As for sleeping longer at night. Research has shown that babies who start sleeping through the night too soon are more likely to wean prematurely. Again this is due to a mother's milk supply. While some mothers may be able to get a good 8 hours and still have plenty of milk, most of us need the night time feeding in order to keep up our supply. Now I know this is not a popular idea. The appeal of Babywise is that you get to SLEEP! In fact the book talks about the horrors of sleep deprivation and how it affects mothers. But guess what, new research shows that breastfeeding mothers actually get better quality sleep than mothers who don't breastfeed! The hormones released when you nurse put you back into your deepest sleep faster! God knew babies needed to eat at night, so he gave us a little something to help us sleep! Also babies do need those night feedings. Breast milk is digested faster than formula so baby's tummy is going to be empty sooner. And the fact is, you can't predict growth spurts. You never know when your baby really needs those extra calories. But your baby does.
The last issue and probably the most important to me, is that the book equates nursing with feeding. They warn against using "food" to comfort, saying it will encourage obesity by teaching your baby to use food to comfort themselves later in life. But you're not comforting your baby with food, your comforting your baby with YOU! And even as adults we know that listening to our bodies and eating only when we're hungry is a healthier lifestyle than eating on a strict schedule. We don't schedule hugs or kisses and to our tiny ones, nursing is one long hug. It's the way they understand comfort and security. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Now if you have used Babywise for all of your children and it has worked wonderfully for you, then great! Really and truly. The last thing I want to do is spread around more mommy guilt or make someone feel like they did things the "wrong way." Babywise can be successful, anything can be taken to an extreme, and most things have redeeming qualities. But be aware that for some people it can cause some fairly serious problems, and just because something works sometimes, doesn't mean it is the best thing for everyone.
If it didn't or isn't working for you, then know that it's not you that is flawed. And if you are a new mommy or mommy-to-be like I was, don't be afraid to follow your instincts. There is no spiritual or non-spiritual way to feed a baby! If you want a rule to follow, try this one: You can nurse your baby too little, but you can never nurse too much!
I think the heart of the issue is that somewhere along the line I got the impression that I shouldn't trust my instincts. That if it felt good, I probably shouldn't do it. And that someone else and not me, knew what was best for my baby. I think in our conservative circles we have reacted to our society's obsession with instant gratification and selfish pursuit of desire. To the point where we view any impulse or pleasure with suspicion. So when I experienced conflict between what the experts said, and my own mothering instincts I went with the experts. I'm thankful that God gave me not only the equipment of motherhood, but the overwhelming desire to nurture my children. I'm learning that taking joy in my children is not an indulgence but the way it is designed to be.
